Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Oh Danny Boy

On the 15th of December, 2009 my adorable baby nephew Daniel Wesley Heineman was born. My brother and his wife knew there would be
complications when Daniel arrived so all my family drove down to Arizona for a few days for the chance to meet him while he was alive. He was born with a few deformities which, honestly, only made him a million times cuter. I am so grateful I was even able to meet him for a few minutes at the hospital. This is a hard time of year for my brother and his wife. I know trials make us stronger but I truly hope I never have to go through anything like what they've been through. I'm kind of happy being a wuss. He was named Danny because the song Danny Boy is my dad and also my sister in law Afton's mom's favorite song. How's that for a tear jerker? Danny went back to Heaven on New Year's Eve 2009. Families are together forever so I say see ya later lil buddy.

Monday, December 13, 2010

*Cough, Cough*

I honestly can't help myself. I need to post this. I was just reading through and stumbled across this doctrine in the gospel library...and I quote,

"The honeymoon ought to be a time when the partners learn about one another’s minds, emotions, bodies, and spirits. It is not a time for sexual excess. It is not a fling of worldly diversions that is scheduled between the temple wedding ceremony and a return to serious living."

My reaction went something like this:


Did they just contradict the definition of a honeymoon?!

Sorry. I'll go now.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

What the?! Can we say "What the"?

I'm pretty sure I can count all of the times in my life I've ever said a swear word. Curse words just aren't in my vocabulary. This is definitely a Mormon thing. We're supposed to keep our language clean. But take a bishop's interview out of the equation, then anything goes. Right?

And in case you were wondering...the title of this blog comes from my friend Paige McGuire's little brother Mitchell when he was not sure if "What the" was a swear word or not.

A few months ago the 10 year old girl I babysit asked if I ever swear and I said nope. I couldn't really explain why. The best thing I could think of is that people who swear just don't have a very creative vocabulary. That brings me to the subject of my sister Bethany. She's taught me that when you prick yourself with a needle it's better to scream out the most ridiculous exclamations and just make yourself laugh. Example: Once Beth slammed her fingers in a drawer and without any hesitation she yelled, "OWIE-HEADS!" Laughter ensued.

The same principal applies to road rage. If I'm mad at traffic I'd rather just say things that don't really make sense and make myself laugh to lighten the situation instead of screaming and making baby Jesus cry. Because the cars can't hear you so what difference does it make? Like the other night I was driving with Bethany and the intersection went through an entire rotation of lights without giving me a green arrow! Bull crap! So I started plotting. "Oh traffic light...I will kill you. I will kill your children. I will dance on the graves of your relatives."...and so on.

What gave me the idea to right this whole blog today was an incident from a couple nights ago. I was putting the house key into the handle and it pinched me! Now, when something is really, really painful I say a word that I made up but is still so close to swearing that it appeases my hurt. (Reader discretion is advised.)

Fudge Mucker.

But that's not what I said the other night. It could NOT have been more of an accident, honestly.

That was the second time...mhhh...Well, actually there was this day in 2008. I was working at a summer camp in Massachusetts and I got into a lot of trouble. Let me emphasis A LOT of trouble. Wow. You would've thought I had a buy one get ten free coupon for the F word.

This is a picture of the exact place in which the swears took place. The scene of the crime.

Anyway, I'd really like to hear anyone else who doesn't like swearing and their reasons. Because really, the children are the future.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010


No. I am not pregnant.

Let's get that straight. But I almost feel like I'm a pregnant woman prepping. I do all the things expecting mothers do. I'm a little crazy. I'm completely and in no way knocked up. I don't know who this child to the right is but I love him. Just planning for when I am with child is fun and yes, can make me extremely baby hungry. I don't know if "baby hungry" is a Mormon term or something but it just means I sometimes sob myself to sleep because my womb is barren. Not to be confused with the "baby hungry" some cannibals are familiar with.

So when I say I act like a pregnant woman prepping I mean I have done all of the following:

-I've purchased and read five whole books on babies this summer. Nurture Shock, Your Best Birth, Baby Catcher, Parenthood by Proxy, and The Good Housekeeping Illustrated Book of Pregnancy & Baby Care. All of which I highly recommend.

-I've picked out all my children's names. I collect baby names. They are my hobby. I actually should just blog about baby names from now on. I belong to baby name forums. I don't have children. But names can be so interesting. I have my first two girls names locked in Deal or No Deal style. These names are concrete. A day doesn't go by without me talking about a new name or asking Aaron's opinion on such. I'll just write a blog later about that because it's my passion.

-I've research diaper prices. I don't have kids! Who does that?! I need help. I'm still in a debate whether to go with cloth or good old Costco brand. I'm so close some days when I see a really good deal on baby clothes to buy them or take people's handy-downs but I must resist.

-I've planned how I'm going to tell people I'm having a baby. Well, I know how I'm telling facebook at least. And my friends on missions. Telling my husband...I still need the perfect idea. I have time.

-I know who my midwife is going to be. I know where I'm having my baby and who's going to be there. I know how much it costs to have a baby start to finish with a midwife clinic.

-I read nursery design blogs and have sooOOooo many ideas for how I want to decorate. If I had a spare bedroom it would've been ready for a baby like six months ago. I've subscribed to a few on facebook and such and get emailed new design ideas hourly. I've even already made some art to hang on my baby's wall. One with the girl's name on it and one with a boy's name on it, pending what I'll have first. This is totally my dirty little secret so feel privileged I'm sharing it with you.

-I have been a nanny long enough to know that you don't need 80 percent of the stuff that you think you'd need. Women just want a lot of stuff and having a baby is a good excuse to get it. You don't need the adorable diaper bag. A backpack will do. (Even though diaper bags can be suuuuper cute.) You don't need the Diaper Genie. A garbage can or even just a grocery sack you take outside every night will do. That's what one family I worked for did. They didn't even have a changing table. We would just lay the baby on their bed over a puppy piddle pad. All of these money saving ideas and more, I have thought of and planned in detail.

Perhaps I should seek help.

Friday, December 3, 2010


What is my life...a sit-com?

My dear sister won tickets to the David Archuleta Christmas concert with the Mo Tab for December 19th, 9:30am. Of course, I'm overjoyed.

However, I married this man. Aaron is his name. And the day I married him was December 18th. And all would be well and good except my sister has to drive down from Logan for the concert the night before. But that's my anniversary! -And my husband wants to spend time with me or something! Apparently I'm adorable and he loves me.

David or Aaron.

Aaron or David.

David or Aaron.

It seems I've got two dates for the prom!...Figuratively. WWMBD?! (What would Marcia Brady do?!)

Sunday, November 21, 2010


There has been a lot of hoopla this week about the release of People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive issue. It's their best selling issue year after year. Way better than their "Whosoever Looketh to Lust After a Man Hath Committed Adultery With Him Already in Their Heart." issue. Their pick? Ryan which I respond..."Meh."

I watched a show about how they pick the winner. The man has to be famous, first of all, and not only that, be someone people are talking about currently. So it's rigged. And since I'm talking about my dissatisfaction with People mag's choices let's talk about some other "hunks" who made their list in the past...Ben Affleck is sexy? Um, no. Does his smile make anyone go weak at the knees? Um, no. He looks like he's delivering a pizza. Indefinitely.

If I ran People magazine Mark Walhberg would win The Sexiest Man Alive eeeeeevery year. Oh yeah, and probably my husband Aaron. Throw him in there too. Love you Aaron! You're a good man.

Anyway, back to Mark. Mhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh boy.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010


Total inconvenience. My first pad run in two years. Bleh. AND I have to go buy underwear. Not garments, UNDERWEAR! common street trash!

Monday, October 25, 2010

The Best Stories: Chapter One

Throughout my life there have been hilarious instances in which the universe has worked in my favor despite all odds. I declare it's time to catalog these stories.

In 9th grade I was supposed to come into my English classroom during lunch to take a Romeo and Juliet test that I had missed. I hadn't read the chapter at all and was BSing my way through the test pretty remarkably. Example? One question asked,

"What did Romeo do after Rosaline dumped him?"

Having absolutely no idea I replied with the first thing that came into my head...a Zoolander quote.

"He went out for orange mocha frappuccinos."

I gave my test to the student teacher and he proceeded to grade it right in front of me. Upon discovering my Zoolander quotation he said, (AND I QUOTE!)

"He went out for orange mocha frappuccinos? Well, he did go out and party so I'll give you full points on that one."

Got an A on the test which I'm pretty sure stands for AWESOME!

Thursday, October 21, 2010


So apparently wearing a sports bra like I've done for the past 6 years is in direct correlation to my back pain for the past 6 years. Interesting. This week I started wearing a real bra...the kind with straps n junk...and mhh, who wudda thunk. No back pain. I also realized why girls can get away with doing girl push-ups. It's because we seriously have more weight to lift up! So guys, strap a toddler to your chest and see how many regular push-ups you're capable of and get back to me.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Children Are The Future?

Last night I babysat for two funny little boys. Alex who is 7 and Carson who is five. After dinner they really wanted to play poker and I tried to barter with them. "Ok we'll play one hand." Playing any game with these boys always ends with them crying, fighting, or burning the house down. They say, "No! Ten!" I'm like, "Uh, no. Two." This goes on for awhile and they decide they just want to play for an hour. I tell them that we'll just play until I win all their chips. They agree. Suckers.

We're playing Texas Hold'em style. Everything they know they've learned from their mom and watching the World Series of Poker on TV. First I deal them two cards each. Alex is older, he totally gets it. Carson just an idiot. Me: "Carson don't show anyone your cards" He tells us he has a queen and a five. I deal him two new cards. Me: "Now Carson, you have to keep these cards secret. Don't tell anyone what you have." Repeat. Third try. "Carson! Don't show anyone your cards!" He leans underneath the table and whispers very loudly to himself, "Carson! You have a king and a eight! Shhhhh!" Ok, that'll do.

First hand. Alex does not understand that when you get your cards you don't say, "Ohhhh AHHHH! AH MAN!" I explain, "You ever heard the term poker face?" Carson is in the background singing, "P-P-P-Poker face..." I have a pair of jacks. I win the pot.

Second hand. Have you ever seen a five year old tap the table and with complete composure and seriousness say, "I call." AH-freakin-DORABLE. I have a flush so I went all in. Alex goes all in too. We both had I had to break his heart because mine was king high. All his chips gone. He was pissed. But I told him not to worry. I was about to win all of Carson's chips too. Remain calm.

Third hand. What's the point of playing cards with a five year old? They don't know the rules. They don't even know how to win the game. This, I take advantage of. Now I have a straight. (Wow, not even trying, I'm playing really good tonight!) I go all in, Carson goes all in. So I actually won pretty legit. I win all in fifteen minutes. Bwahaha! Bedtime!

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Confession. Chapter Two.

I just realized something else that could be interpreted as creepy. When my friends create a facebook page for their wedding and everyone jots down their addresses I like to type them into google maps and see what their house looks like. Ah, it's good to get that off my chest.

Thank you. I will go now.

Thursday, September 23, 2010


I do weird things when I know there's no possible way anyone will find out.

I realized this as I was leaning my face against my door staring through the peephole for ten minutes.

You see, people think that I don't know when they're walking up to the door. On the contrary! I know and see all.

And I like it that way.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Guys and Dolls

Childhood. Mhh, sweet indoctrinated memories. Unlike many households abundant in Disney movies, mine had zero. I think my parents did this on purpose so that I had to watch only their old classic films over and over. Lucky for me however, the two movies we owned were totally freaking awesome. Guys and Dolls and Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. Seven Brides is still my all-time-favorite-know-every-line-Benjamin-marry-me-movie. Owned exclusively on VHS recorded off TV.
That's us Heinemans alright! But I'll save my love for that movie for another time and place...

I hadn't seen Guys and Dolls in over ten years until last night. It's a totally different experience watching it as an adult. I will now list the reasons for your reading pleasure.

1. Adelaide is a stripper! I have fond childhood memories waking up in the morning, coming down stairs, fast forwarding to the song Take Back Your Mink, and removed each item of clothing just like Adelaide...however I did it until I was a naked 4 year old in my living room. I was a stripper in training, is what I was!

Look at that sweet innocent face!
Miss Adelaide, I trusted you.

2. Marlon Brando was seeeeeeeexy. (This makes the list because as a child I didn't know what sexy was......And it was Marlon Brando.)

3. The guys in the movie go around a lot saying the word "marker" (or, "marka" as they pronounce it). Saying things like, "I'll give ya my marka I'll have the 1,000 bucks for ya by tomorrow." When I was a kid I thought this was a common phrase for saying you'll promise someone something. Ha. Oh how I was deceived. That explains why no one understood what the heck I was talking about. "You let me play with your Malibu Barbie and I'll give ya my marka ain't nuttin bad'll happen to her."

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Swan Princess: A Testimony

Missionary work, like many facets of the gospel, can easily be related to our favorite movies. Swan Princess, a classic animated tale, is one such of these movies. While teaching an investigator, they might have trouble committing to baptism. Baptism is a time for a person's spirit to be merged to the true church, and it's teachings. Perhaps you have a female investigator who is struggling (Odett is her name) and you might find yourself thinking, "But what if Odett doesn't go for the merger?" Urge her!

And even if a person makes the fateful decision to stop taking discussions don't say "All these years of planning, wasted!" You did your duty to teach all those willing to listen to your message. There are still plenty of people waiting to hear that the true church has been restored who are sick of living their lives asking, "What else is there?"

While Jesus was on earth he taught that we should not be deceived in these last days. Teaching people that true happiness comes from following gospel teachings may be tough. Sin can look intriguing, but it's not what it seems. It's not what it seems! When a person becomes baptized, that's just the first step on a latter of commitment to God and to commit their time and talents to his church. One step is going through the temple to be endowed. I would hope they would utter these sweet words in their mind after making such a strong commitment. "For longer than forever I swear that I'll be true. I've made an everlasting vow to find my way to you." (The previous line of course refers to striving for eternal life). "For longer than forever, and with your love I'll never be alone." Swan Princess gives such inspirational words one might even testify of them from the pulpit. Which is fine with me! Just fine with me!

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Silver Lake is Super Cool

A little reservoir I did not know existed before today, it's name is Silver Lake.

Big Cottonwood Canyon, so many mysteries. We bought a fancy pants camera so we take pictures when the occasion merits. You can walk all the way around the lake on a wannabe boardwalk Yellowstone style. It is not a little known secret, however. There were approximately 189,938,022 people walking around the lake too. It was an awesome Saturday activity!

We hold hands because we like each other.

I plan to show these pictures to our children one day to explain that mommy and daddy were cute before they had you.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Photograph Phun: The Favorites

I thought Aaron could use some more good photos for his comedy/acting career so we had a little photo session today. These were shot at Trolley Square by me, my camera, and my index finger.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Being A Good Wife, Lesson One

In my long span of years as a married woman (1.9 to be exact), I have accrued much knowledge of how to attain a superb marriage. Ladies, ladies, ladies...did you marry a man? Good. Treat him as such. First off, you can quit calling him "hubby" because it's an ugly word. He is your husband, a man, and chances are you probably emasculate him on a daily basis so let's not add another way to do that to the list.

Ah, now that I've gotten that pet peeve off my chest we can move on. Kate Gosselin. What a prime example of everything not to do. Since I've watched every episode of Jon and Kate Plus 8 let's just all agree that I've lived in their house and know each of them personally. Kate, why won't you let your husband finish any thought or feeling he has? Men do have feelings, shocking but true. They like to feel appreciated and loved and respected too.

Which leads me do me to my third point. Ladies, witholding sex because you're upset or can't have your way is a mean, mean thing to do to people...especially your husband. If you didn't plan to "get it on" with your husband on a bi-weekly, tri-weekly, or octo-daily basis, then you shouldn't have married a man. The Austrian monasteries are quite lovely, from what I've heard.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Mischievous Boys Make For Fantastic Movies

Last night I watched The Sandlot and realized something...scalawag boys out to cause trouble make the best movies ever. The Sandlot, Hook, Goonies, Newsies, Stand By Me, Little Rascals (hello, it's in the title) and even The Mighty Ducks. Such classic family entertainment. Look at Squints' eyes! There is trouble in his eyes!

Did you ever notice how the boys in these movies all have nicknames too? It makes them all so personable! I think "You're killin' me Smalls!" has become an all-American catch phrase. Hook also has some of the best nicknames too. No Nap, Too Small, Don't Ask...and I'm seriously considering naming a child Pockets. But what I really love about Hook is it's sentimental value. Of all the movies out there to cry at...Hook makes me weep. When Rufio gets stabbed and tells Peter he wishes he had a father just like him then Jack takes off his Hook get-up and says, "Dad, I want to go home." I cannot be contained.

All you latchkey kid little scamps. I love ya.