Monday, October 25, 2010

The Best Stories: Chapter One

Throughout my life there have been hilarious instances in which the universe has worked in my favor despite all odds. I declare it's time to catalog these stories.

In 9th grade I was supposed to come into my English classroom during lunch to take a Romeo and Juliet test that I had missed. I hadn't read the chapter at all and was BSing my way through the test pretty remarkably. Example? One question asked,

"What did Romeo do after Rosaline dumped him?"

Having absolutely no idea I replied with the first thing that came into my head...a Zoolander quote.

"He went out for orange mocha frappuccinos."


I gave my test to the student teacher and he proceeded to grade it right in front of me. Upon discovering my Zoolander quotation he said, (AND I QUOTE!)

"He went out for orange mocha frappuccinos? Well, he did go out and party so I'll give you full points on that one."


Got an A on the test which I'm pretty sure stands for AWESOME!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Bajungas


So apparently wearing a sports bra like I've done for the past 6 years is in direct correlation to my back pain for the past 6 years. Interesting. This week I started wearing a real bra...the kind with straps n junk...and mhh, who wudda thunk. No back pain. I also realized why girls can get away with doing girl push-ups. It's because we seriously have more weight to lift up! So guys, strap a toddler to your chest and see how many regular push-ups you're capable of and get back to me.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Children Are The Future?

Last night I babysat for two funny little boys. Alex who is 7 and Carson who is five. After dinner they really wanted to play poker and I tried to barter with them. "Ok we'll play one hand." Playing any game with these boys always ends with them crying, fighting, or burning the house down. They say, "No! Ten!" I'm like, "Uh, no. Two." This goes on for awhile and they decide they just want to play for an hour. I tell them that we'll just play until I win all their chips. They agree. Suckers.

We're playing Texas Hold'em style. Everything they know they've learned from their mom and watching the World Series of Poker on TV. First I deal them two cards each. Alex is older, he totally gets it. Carson however....is just an idiot. Me: "Carson don't show anyone your cards" He tells us he has a queen and a five. I deal him two new cards. Me: "Now Carson, you have to keep these cards secret. Don't tell anyone what you have." Repeat. Third try. "Carson! Don't show anyone your cards!" He leans underneath the table and whispers very loudly to himself, "Carson! You have a king and a eight! Shhhhh!" Ok, that'll do.

First hand. Alex does not understand that when you get your cards you don't say, "Ohhhh AHHHH! AH MAN!" I explain, "You ever heard the term poker face?" Carson is in the background singing, "P-P-P-Poker face..." I have a pair of jacks. I win the pot.

Second hand. Have you ever seen a five year old tap the table and with complete composure and seriousness say, "I call." AH-freakin-DORABLE. I have a flush so I went all in. Alex goes all in too. We both had flushes....so I had to break his heart because mine was king high. All his chips gone. He was pissed. But I told him not to worry. I was about to win all of Carson's chips too. Remain calm.

Third hand. What's the point of playing cards with a five year old? They don't know the rules. They don't even know how to win the game. This, I take advantage of. Now I have a straight. (Wow, not even trying, I'm playing really good tonight!) I go all in, Carson goes all in. So I actually won pretty legit. I win all in fifteen minutes. Bwahaha! Bedtime!