Friday, December 9, 2011

Pay Up

I found this article on Yahoo yesterday titled "America's 10 Richest Zip Codes, 2011". Santa Monica is number 10. I live where people are rich? But I'm not wealthy! I demand a recount! Recount I say! I'll pay for it!

No, but really how did I get here?

I must have some terrible high stress job that I spend all my time at just to pay the bills. No, that's not true. I snuggle the most adorable baby in my arms all day and think, "If only I could get someone to pay me to do this, then I'd be set. HOLY CRAP SOMEONE DOES PAY ME!"

But they don't allow "the help" 'round these parts! Mhhhh....

I must be a drug dealer. No, that can't be. I would remember how much crack is an ounce, but currently that number escapes me.

Perhaps I'm homeless? They're always hanging out by the beach. I wash my clothes in the same laundromat as they do, I know that much. And I have been known to soil myself when the opportunity arises. But I think I know I'm not homeless by the fact that this laptop has not been traded for Skittles by now.

My parents must be rich. They must support me and my husband and our "buy-milk-by-the-gallon" lifestyle. No, no, no, I'm mistaken. As I recall my father and mother saying every night before bed as they tucked me in and kissed me on the forehead, "You are indebted to us for life."

Ah! When we got ready to move to LA we were so clueless where we were going to live, how we were going to afford to live, and where I would find a job. But we put it in God's hands and knew with faith He would provide. I think we live here because this is where God wanted us to live. ("I didn't know she was gonna get all preachy with this blog" -You.)

There really is no other explanation how us and our '99 Nissan Altima snuck in but I'm thankful we did.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Pancake Achievement

It is very important that I publish this photo of the giant pancake that I made and FLIPPED myself. On a pan that is the equal diameter. I have graduated into the highest ranking of breakfast excellence. A future at Denny's? Fingers crossed! (Gag.)

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Social Misfit

I really just wanted to use the word "misfit". I don't know if it applies to my blog. I want to write about why I need to boast about the simple fact that I indeed have friends. High school girls do it a lot. Why? What are they trying to validate? Why do they need to tag their posts on facebook about who they're with and how much fun they're having, "Had an awesome night with Stacy Jenkings, Brooke Carver, and Jenny Cooper! You girls are my BFFs!" Why? Why do you need to tell all of your other friends a message that is clearly just directed at your "BFFs"? You need to make sure everyone knows that you are capable of having friendships and that you're not sitting at home all night practicing kissing with your pillow?

While I've never done this specifically, I'm guilty of this friend bragging. Aren't we all? My most embarrassing examples are probably evident in my high school journals. To some up every single page: "Oh I did this thing with them and it was so fun we're like totally awesome then I had to leave and hang out with her." I don't know who I was trying to impress. My mom who steals my journal to make sure I'm not having sex? I guess so.

It can't be just me and the 14 year olds though, right? Why do we want people to write on our facebook wall instead of sending a message? So everyone can see we are worthy of someone talking to us? Why do we need a "define the relationship" with our friends? So when you lock someone in as your best friend and if then they don't act like it you can call them out on it? Why do we have to act like when we're trying to find a contact in our phone "It's like so difficult. I have so many friends in here! *scroll, scroll, scroll*"

Did you ever take the color code test? I'm a blue. (No, I'm not just using the appropriate color text, that's a link.) Thought I was a yellow, did ya? No, blue all the way. Whoever you are reading this blog, either this is going to be totally relatable or you are going to think I'm incredibly needy and need to get life. But that's the great part! I'm married! Once you get married all that matters is your relationship with your husband. He's locked in. He's got a "DTR" that is pretty binding. Technically I don't need any friends since I have him and always will. That's comforting. I'm not a teenager anymore, something that I need to remind myself of hourly. Therefore, all that need for approval just melts away.

This is a photo that represents that feeling of making friends in school as a little girl. The divide between the girls who liked Lisa Frank and the girls who didn't. (Myself being the ladder.) But truthfully, nothing is greater than a Lisa Frank traper keeper with a self-assured leopard on it.

P.S. For a good time, google "Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper" and I dare you not to vomit through your smile.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Prepare To Be Banished

Our ward Christmas party is tomorrow night. It's a time to gather with our ward family and celebrate all the joy of the Christmas season. Unfortunately, when they asked for volunteers to perform Aaron thought it would be a good idea for us to do stand up. For Mormons.

Now I'm not saying Mormons don't like laughter. I'm sure you all have watched The Single's Ward until you've cried. Good for you. But when I do my stand up I do it in a comedy club. I'm overall pretty clean, I don't swear, or talk dirty. I might be a little offensive, but that's the joke! Comedy clubs are my jokes on my turf. Churches are God's turf. And the bishop's. And all sorts of people ready to judge me and subsequently exile me from their social circles.

What was Aaron thinking?! He's a very common sense guy! Risk vs reward, Aaron! Risk vs reward! Comedy clubs are great for telling jokes. I show up, a bunch of people I've never met laugh at the words I say, it's all dark so I can piss people off without seeing it on their faces, then they go home and I never see them again. Little risk, high reward. The reward being self-esteem for Carah.

Church folk? A group of people I've been desperately trying to befriend for the past 7 months in a foreign location far from the comfort of my common associates in a building dedicated to worship with the lights full blast and faces noticeably upset as I struggle to poke fun with people of such diverse backgrounds I'm bound to offend someone resulting in me being quarantined from further contact.

So all I can do is be on my best behavior (even though when I suggest doing my cleanest jokes, Aaron STILL says, "NOOOOOOO! You can't say that!") and pray that Mormons like lots of child abuse and drug references! No, just kidding. But really.

Monday, November 28, 2011

I Married A Boy

For a little date last week Aaron and I went to Color Me Mine. I painted a bowl and a Christmas ordainment. Aaron wanted to paint me something as a gift. I picked out a mug and this is what I got.


A nice knight in shining armor. Classy. The other side...


Inside...


And finally, heart Aaron. I love boys though.

Monday, October 31, 2011

October, We Hardly Knew Ye

Ah, what a great month. So much seen. So much done. Time flew.

I babysit Lola everyday and she is adorrrrrable. Lola found my sunglasses. I love her.


My sister Alyson came to visit and met Mario Lopez and Suze Orman. This is how she goes to the mall. Fish shirt, men's board shorts, fanny pack, Chacos. She was also walking around the beach with her bike helmet still on. She took it off after I informed her how she looked handicapped. She agreed.


Aaron had a birthday shout hooray! He's 29. Just one more year til I am married to a 30 year old! (Barf) But I love him.


My cousin Shannon flew in and we pulled out my Aunt Ida's wedding album. Found a picture of our cousin Renata (far right) looking pleasant, then Shannon and me looking less than flattering in our rejected non-flower girl dresses.


Aaron's sister in law Anadine came in from Utah and stayed with us and brought her new little guy Zeke. It was foggy. Ignore the garments.




I came to Utah and visited friends and family. Aaron and I also did some comedy gigs to pay our way. Bethany dressed up as Gilly from SNL.



My dearest and bestest friend Ameri got engaged! Engaged to be married! Ahhhhhh! I don't have a picture so just...AHHHHHHH!

I made a Pac Man pumpkin with Kendall J and The Jacksons.



The Jacksons made a very touching Jack-o-lantern. Can you say newlyweds?

Now I'm packing up for the airport! Utah, it's been fun but I gotta get home.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Hooray for Hollywood

Went on a nice hike today over LA. Check it...



Bout half way up.

Taking a breather with a view of the valley below me.


This last photo is something like my interpretation of Gollum if his precious was giant white letters on a hillside instead of a ring.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Veronicas 4 Ever

I just got back from The Veronicas concert and I can't help but scream! Ahhhhhhhhh! I usually write very composed, thought out blogs but The Veronicas make no such thing possible. It was the greatest night ever. Ever. Just so great. Wow. I want to go to a Veronicas concert every day. Every day I need to schedule a Veronicas concert into my life. I swear, I've never felt better. It was so hot, I was dancing so hard that I thought I would die. Like pass out, lose consciousness, and die. But if I have to chose any way to die and ascend into heaven I would want it to be there at that concert.

At concerts there are always losers who slide past you and try to get their way to the front. Those people can die. Luckily there weren't too many and without any sly trickery Aaron and I got to the front and I only had one person in front of me! That person being Mexican and a whole head shorter than me. At concerts...I love being tall. And when I'm at concerts I dance. Ohhh, do I dance. People clear a space around me for me to bust a move. I was the hardest one dancing in the crowd by far and Jess and Lisa of The Veronicas noticed. Making eye contact the whole show, there is nothing like it. Them singing right to me as I sing their words right back at them. Ahhhhhh! I revised my death wish. The way I want to die is me, Jess, and Lisa in the tour bus as they tell me I'm their best friend in song as we overdose on happiness.

They sang a lot of new songs off their upcoming album, which lemmie tell ya folks, is going to be spectacular. They are musical geniuses. The most powerful voices ever. And oh, they are literally the size of twin twelve year old girls. I've never seen grown woman so small. Their waists...wow...I could pick them up with one hand. They can sing people. They can sing and they have the tiniest bodies ever. I love The Veronicas. Love. Them.


I'm not one of those people who takes pictures the whole concert. I'm in the moment. I dance. So Aaron took my pictures.







They sang a ton of new stuff and you know the music is good if the first time you hear it it blows you away. This song was my favorite. This was not recorded by me, however but it is from the concert I was just at!



This is a video I took where you can almost see an older gentleman who must be their number one fan because he was singing along to every song. He's in the center of everything. (Much as The Veronicas are the center of his everything.) And you can see my proximity to the stage.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Lez Be Real

Aaron is leaving in the morning to Bloomington, Indiana to do a comedy gig. Fun fact: Aaron and my sister Bethany both went on their missions to Indiana. Bethany served in Bloomington, Aaron didn't though. When I called Bethany today to ask what fun things there are to do in Bloomington her response was, "Knock on doors?" Oh, Bethany. She's such a kidder.

I'm just glad that Aaron is going on this weekend long trip with Tig, the female comedian Aaron is interning for. Going on a trip with another woman, you say? But she's a lesbian! Conveniently lesbian. I love when homosexuality makes my life easier.

Honestly, if anyone ever finds themselves wanting to gay bash I would tell them to just think how gays can benefit their life in someway. It's a fantastic technique. If I have a son and in few years down the road, say he's 16 years old, he sits me and my husband down and he says, "Mom...Dad...I'm gay." No big deal. I've been struggling with color swatches for weeks. First thing out of my mouth will be, "Do you think this duvet will match the curtains or would I be better off with a throw? Can you believe Celine is still at it? Do you want to go to her concert with me next month?!"

It's really that simple.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Apartment Tour

Here is our lovely new apartment! I made a video. Think of it as a travel brochure. You'll also notice I edited it a little. I mention a lot of small and mundane things which is a lot less than the amount of small and mundane things it had before I edited it.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Hot Stuff

I'm just gonna go out on a limb here...but I think...I may be wrong...but I think my husband may be the most attractive man alive.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Thug Life

Aaron and I bought a couple cheap boogie boards that were on sale at TJ Maxx for ten bucks. Total steal. They just happen to be bright red with the word "lifeguard" on them...which I can deal with. But then I found this really awesome bathing suit that is high quality and doesn't fall off that is blue and says "lifeguard" on it. I figured I couldn't have both so I better draw a bunch of stuff over my boogie board. (But I also talked myself out of the bathing suit anyway. Me posing as a lifeguard...surely lives will be lost.)

So last night I took a Sharpie and looked up some graffiti lettering and drew my name. That wasn't enough. So I drew Aaron's name. It needed more. So I figured since I'm going with this gangsta theme and I live in LA I'll trace my hand and draw the westside gang symbol. Little much?

Aaron said he wouldn't go to the beach with me with that thing. So I had to compensate a little! I drew a big "CTR" underneath. I hope all the drugged up coke fiends will know I'm just a stupid white girl from Utah purposely trying to be a poser.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Perfect Weather Makes Local Woman Happiest

People often ask me, "So Carah, how are you liking California?" People, every day outside is like air conditioning. It's so cool if the sun is not out I am cold. Our apartment is a mile from the ocean and is not even equip with heating and cooling. We open our windows. And when you have the best job in the world that let's you afford to live here, all the better. Then again, there is an abundance of homeless people. They get it.

Exhibit A. Provo, Utah monthly averages high and low.


Exhibit B. Santa Monica, California monthly averages high and low and why my rent is more than most people's mortgage payments.


The evidence is conclusive.


And here is little baby Lola with whom I spend about nine hours a day. She is Japanese, which is like......jackpot. I really, really, really love her.


Me being awesome.



Aaron's friend Ben came to visit from Arizona last weekend. Coming to visit is a great idea for all of you who are contemplating it.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Confession. Chapter Four.

I love my husband.

Ok, that's not much of a confession. But I would like to admit that when we are around each other we rarely talk in a normal voice. We are very mushy. We speak exclusively in like...baby voices. It's repulsive. I was pleased to hear that my friend Camille is also just as lovey dovey with her husband. Ah, I'm not the only one. I can only switch on the voice when he's around and when he's gone or other people are around it's impossible to get back. Weird? Normal.

I found this facebook app that lets you look back at all your old statuses. I found it funny that my status for our first anniversary was all like, "ONE YEAR WEDDING ANNIVERSARY TODAY! I tried thinking of something clever to say, but no facebook status can sum up how happy I am and how much I love Aaron Jeremy Burrell!"

Jeez, Carah. Calm. Down. It's not like I love Aaron any less but by our second wedding anniversary my status just said, "Two years of marriage: check." Haha. I'm so blissfully married, I just know how to restrain it better after these two years.


And you know how cute my husband is? Just yesterday I stayed late at my nanny job talking to the mom, Krista, for two hours and Aaron called twice, left voicemails and text messages worried where I was. Then he used his iPhone to track where my iPhone was then matched that with the address of the house I work at...just to get piece of mind. He's cute. I'm cute. Still in love, as always.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Crazies

I live in Santa Monica now so that's fantastic. No job yet though. Dag. I've been emailing quite a few people on various nanny websites throughout the past few weeks and still no luck. But I do have a good story.

A few days back I emailed a woman directly from a nanny website. She wrote back a long email saying how she was currently in England because her mother had just passed away and the funeral had just taken place. She also said that she was an interior decorator and she mentioned the neighborhood they lived in. Pretty classy, like Malibu. From her first email I did notice her strange way of writing, I just assumed it was her being British. But writing whole paragraphs as run-on sentences and saying things like, "Thank you so much and i do hope for a better communication and look forward to having you as best of family and friends." was just weird. There are so many examples just like that.

She sent me a second email asking all the basic questions that the nanny websites encourage people to ask and I replied with all my answers. For the most part everything was pretty normal. But it was her last email where I really knew this had to be a scam. A really long and painstaking process for a scamper to go through but there were too many red flags.

In the last email she said after discussing all of the possible candidates with her husband she decided I was the best choice and that she would like me to start right when they got home from England. Who hires someone to work in their home, especially with their children, that they've never met before?! No one real! No one that exists! Ha! And she even asked for my address to send me my first weeks pay to "not have any troubles finance wise or any hindrances starting your new position." That was the biggest red flag of all! Sorry scam artist. Sending me a fake check, having me cash it and asking for the money back is the oldest trick in the book. Your game is weak, sucka.

They also sent me a picture of the family and my first reaction back when I still thought this was a real woman was, "There is no way this is an interior designer in LA. She looks like an overweight stay at home mom with a farmers tan from Arkansas!" (Direct quote). They probably just stole some picture of a family off someone's facebook or something. Then when I googled her name next to "interior designer" and nothing came up...case closed.

I didn't want to completely come out and email her back and say the obvious...ya know, "Go to Hell" n' stuff in case there is half of one percent likelihood she is a real person. I don't even call someone by name unless I've heard their name like 100 times to be positive what to call them. So I just emailed back and said I want to first meet in person...no response back.

THEN I just googled a line from one of the emails and a bunch of results came up of the exact same emails! All of them! Word for word! Totally creeped out now. You never know who you're talking to! I didn't give out any personal information, luckily. I followed my instincts.

And the point of my story is.....I still don't have a job. The End.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Journey

The journey began...



The journey continues.



Was that like totally deep or what? Now for some things that tickle me.

Oh California, your eco friendly liberal attitudes even apply to my waste. Gotta love ya.

Here's a headline for ya! "Small Town Utah Girl Fascinated in Parking Garage" But really, I've never seen this before. The days of driving along trying to find a place to park are long gone. Sensors and red and green lights now provide answers to all the parking related questions in life. Such as, "Is that a space?" No. No it is not.

Santa Monica 90401

Our new Santa Monica pad. We found it the first day we started looking. Just a block from where Aaron will be interning every day and less than a mile from the beach and the Santa Monica Pier. Pretty cool. We signed the lease today but we can't move in until Saturday. Did I mention it feels like air conditioning outside all day every day? We are quite excited. Here's a video:

Friday, May 20, 2011

The Stupidiest People On The Planet

The stupidest people on the planet have to be the Mormons who think the musical known as "The Book of Mormon" is funny.

The makers and supporters of such crap...well, they're on a completely different wave length when it comes to this, as far as I'm concerned. I'm disappointed in the Mormons right now. I've been curious exactly how bad it is so I took a listen on itunes. If I read one more comment that a Mormon person posted saying, "This is so funny! It gets Mormons perfectly! You gotta poke fun at yourself!" I will go cra-zy. I already have.

People think they're being cool like, "Oh yeah, it's alright. I can take it. I'm a cool Mormon." Or, "I showed this to my really strict Mormon friend and he thinks it's hysterical!"

Let me stop you right there.

You see, living in a comedy club the past few years I've heard and seen a lot. I'm not very conservative when it comes to my laughter nor am I easily offended. So to say these songs are offensive is an understatement for me. And if you don't think so and you're Mormon, you must be incredibility immature...to the point I hope you aren't endowed because then you should really, seriously know better. The entire play is not for faith building, it's for faith tearing...make no mistake. It is entirely to mock the things we hold sacred, and I mean sacred, done throughout by satire and sarcasm.

"Oh, the the play was so cute." That's not cuteness you see, it's high production values. Seriously?! Seriously?! There are two whole songs dedicated solely to a missionary character making things up as he goes along talking about how God told Joseph to get rid of his AIDS he shouldn't rape an infant but rape a frog instead. Not funny, disgusting, offensive, and again...not funny. Calling this play cute is a far reaching stretch of the imagination.

And like I said, everything is done out of sarcasm and satire. There's an entire song called "I Believe" that to some might sound sweet but completely mocks every last thing we believe in. Saying things like, "And I believe that the current president of the church Thomas S. Monson speaks directly to God". Which would be fine if you heard it in church on Sunday, but when it's proceeded by a song called "F--- You God" and said completely to drive home the message to the audience that "Yes! People actually believe this! Ha Ha Ha Ha!" it is insulting. It is sarcastic. And Mormons who would laugh at it are laughing along with people who are laughing at us, not with us.

More examples of lyrics from this one song would be:
"I am a Mormon...and a Mormon just believes. You cannot just believe part way, you have to believe in it all." "I believe that God has a plan for all of us and that plan involves me getting my own planet" "I believe that the Garden of Eden is in Jackson county Missouri." No one is testifying. It's just sarcastic mockery.


I just added a photo of the San Diego temple to appease all Gaston-like readers thinking, "How can you read this thing? There's no pictures!" So here you go.

If you haven't read this article already, it says some really great things.

My personal favorite part is:
"A couple of weeks ago a review about the musical appeared at the New York Times from a Jewish writer who simply listed himself as Levi. “As someone of Jewish faith,” he began, “I take personal offense at this show….I cannot believe that New York, MY New York, where I was born and raised, would ever do such a thing. Shame on you, New York Times, shame on Broadway, and shame on all of us who stand idly by and do nothing while the faith of others is mocked. Religious and cultural Jews need not support such bigotry.”

That's right, people. Stand up for what is good. So Mormons, don't think it makes you cooler if you can "handle" a play like this. It makes you weak. Silence condemns when you sit idly by. But to speak out in favor of it? Your words amplify their insults.

This musical was not made with good intentions. It was not made to make our faith sound super rad and down to earth and stir up a lot of baptisms. It was made to break down the things we have been testified are true to us through the Holy Ghost. Do not give them one dollar or one chuckle. Because if you call yourself a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day saints, you've taken upon yourself the name of Christ so when you mock these sacred things when you know better it makes me so disappointed. And I'm pretty sure God isn't too jazzed about it either. But me personally, I am disappointed that when the people who see this play wonder if it's okay to laugh and you give them the go ahead you've given them a license to mock us further and you don't understand how serious that can be.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Life Today

I don't think so much has ever gone down in my life in one month. May is turning out to be a doozy.

Aaron and I moved out of our apartment nestled in the benches of Salt Lake City. We were officially out last Friday and are now residing temporarily at Aaron's parent's home in Kearns. I will so wholeheartedly miss the Eastside life. Salt Lake has been good to us. Aaron standing as we take in our final moments in the apartment we called home for 1.9 years.


I quit both my nanny jobs. Last day for the lil babes was yesterday and my last day for my 11 and 14 year old girls is next Friday. I've had that job for over a year. It will be so weird to leave my girls. So weird. Going from seeing someone every day to never seeing them again is always a strange transition for me.
We're driving down to LA on Monday the 23rd of May. Um, a week and three days...yikes. This is major. We don't have a place lined up yet. But I look online all day, every day. And I don't have a nanny job lined up yet. But...ditto.

Last week all of my stress came from getting out of the apartment on time. This week I'm really, really stressed about finding the right apartment with a landlord that won't try to screw us over. And finding a job that is close enough to where we live. LA is huge and driving during rush hour would be not be acceptable. Twenty miles away? Yeah, an hour drive. Pshhh. Finding a job that's enough hours, close, enough money and with a family I like. Stress. I'm so nervous. I need everything to come together smoothly and in a timely fashion.

To put my nerves at ease I spent all evening putting together a check-list of all the questions to ask and things to look for when browsing potential apartments. I did my research. Seriously, this thing is impressive. If you're ever moving I'll email it to you.

I just am trusting that the good Lord will provide. Never has let me down. Sing praises, hallelujah.

Amen.

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Over The Hill

That title is clever. Read and see why.

I was so uncontrollably excited to go to Vegas to see Lauryn Hill in concert in two week with Bethany...alas...I'm glad I read the reviews people have posted on ticket master. Apparently people, like long time fans, have been walking out of her shows cause the concerts are terrible. Three hundred reviews and almost all of them say the same thing no matter when or where she's performed.

"The show starts at 7pm and she doesn't get on stage til 11:45pm."
"They don't do sound checks and everything sounds horrible."
"She only sings for a half hour."
"The band was too loud and all the songs were totally unrecognizable."
"She sings in double time so everything is smashed together and rushed."
"Stay home and listen to the CD, you'll be happier."

I would risk the sixty bucks if she was in town...but not going to drive all the way to Vegas. Maybe when she pulls it together a little and she puts on a concert in the town I already reside in. Still makes me so, so sad though.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Art, By Carah

And on the 7th day Carah created a pencil holder.




Color Me Mine? Ok, I shall.

Monday, April 25, 2011

California Dreamin

I figure it's probably about time I write a blog about how I'm moving to California n' all. It is coming up pretty quickly. I don't want you to feel left out.

Aaron and I have always known we would move to LA at some point. He is totally talented enough. Everyone looks for a "foot in the door" into Hollywood and Aaron is lucky enough to have found his.

We're leaving the last week of May. We'll probably be gone a year. Or a year and three months. Or forever. Basically as long as I have a job nannying, Aaron is getting work doing comedy, things are steadily progressing, etc. California will be never ending fun. I look forward to laying on the beach, riding my bike in the sunshine, and becoming unrecognizably tan and gorgeous.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Where's Vizzini?

I love babies. Cute babies. This baby.



Meet Koen.

I just watched him for a few hours tonight. His mom and dad visit/home teach me in the ward. He is my new favorite baby.



I must have a knack for matching babies with celebrities because from the first ten seconds I met him I said, "Vizzini! He looks like Vizzini!"





The evidence is conclusive.