Friday, December 9, 2011

Pay Up

I found this article on Yahoo yesterday titled "America's 10 Richest Zip Codes, 2011". Santa Monica is number 10. I live where people are rich? But I'm not wealthy! I demand a recount! Recount I say! I'll pay for it!

No, but really how did I get here?

I must have some terrible high stress job that I spend all my time at just to pay the bills. No, that's not true. I snuggle the most adorable baby in my arms all day and think, "If only I could get someone to pay me to do this, then I'd be set. HOLY CRAP SOMEONE DOES PAY ME!"

But they don't allow "the help" 'round these parts! Mhhhh....

I must be a drug dealer. No, that can't be. I would remember how much crack is an ounce, but currently that number escapes me.

Perhaps I'm homeless? They're always hanging out by the beach. I wash my clothes in the same laundromat as they do, I know that much. And I have been known to soil myself when the opportunity arises. But I think I know I'm not homeless by the fact that this laptop has not been traded for Skittles by now.

My parents must be rich. They must support me and my husband and our "buy-milk-by-the-gallon" lifestyle. No, no, no, I'm mistaken. As I recall my father and mother saying every night before bed as they tucked me in and kissed me on the forehead, "You are indebted to us for life."

Ah! When we got ready to move to LA we were so clueless where we were going to live, how we were going to afford to live, and where I would find a job. But we put it in God's hands and knew with faith He would provide. I think we live here because this is where God wanted us to live. ("I didn't know she was gonna get all preachy with this blog" -You.)

There really is no other explanation how us and our '99 Nissan Altima snuck in but I'm thankful we did.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Pancake Achievement

It is very important that I publish this photo of the giant pancake that I made and FLIPPED myself. On a pan that is the equal diameter. I have graduated into the highest ranking of breakfast excellence. A future at Denny's? Fingers crossed! (Gag.)

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Social Misfit

I really just wanted to use the word "misfit". I don't know if it applies to my blog. I want to write about why I need to boast about the simple fact that I indeed have friends. High school girls do it a lot. Why? What are they trying to validate? Why do they need to tag their posts on facebook about who they're with and how much fun they're having, "Had an awesome night with Stacy Jenkings, Brooke Carver, and Jenny Cooper! You girls are my BFFs!" Why? Why do you need to tell all of your other friends a message that is clearly just directed at your "BFFs"? You need to make sure everyone knows that you are capable of having friendships and that you're not sitting at home all night practicing kissing with your pillow?

While I've never done this specifically, I'm guilty of this friend bragging. Aren't we all? My most embarrassing examples are probably evident in my high school journals. To some up every single page: "Oh I did this thing with them and it was so fun we're like totally awesome then I had to leave and hang out with her." I don't know who I was trying to impress. My mom who steals my journal to make sure I'm not having sex? I guess so.

It can't be just me and the 14 year olds though, right? Why do we want people to write on our facebook wall instead of sending a message? So everyone can see we are worthy of someone talking to us? Why do we need a "define the relationship" with our friends? So when you lock someone in as your best friend and if then they don't act like it you can call them out on it? Why do we have to act like when we're trying to find a contact in our phone "It's like so difficult. I have so many friends in here! *scroll, scroll, scroll*"

Did you ever take the color code test? I'm a blue. (No, I'm not just using the appropriate color text, that's a link.) Thought I was a yellow, did ya? No, blue all the way. Whoever you are reading this blog, either this is going to be totally relatable or you are going to think I'm incredibly needy and need to get life. But that's the great part! I'm married! Once you get married all that matters is your relationship with your husband. He's locked in. He's got a "DTR" that is pretty binding. Technically I don't need any friends since I have him and always will. That's comforting. I'm not a teenager anymore, something that I need to remind myself of hourly. Therefore, all that need for approval just melts away.

This is a photo that represents that feeling of making friends in school as a little girl. The divide between the girls who liked Lisa Frank and the girls who didn't. (Myself being the ladder.) But truthfully, nothing is greater than a Lisa Frank traper keeper with a self-assured leopard on it.

P.S. For a good time, google "Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper" and I dare you not to vomit through your smile.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Prepare To Be Banished

Our ward Christmas party is tomorrow night. It's a time to gather with our ward family and celebrate all the joy of the Christmas season. Unfortunately, when they asked for volunteers to perform Aaron thought it would be a good idea for us to do stand up. For Mormons.

Now I'm not saying Mormons don't like laughter. I'm sure you all have watched The Single's Ward until you've cried. Good for you. But when I do my stand up I do it in a comedy club. I'm overall pretty clean, I don't swear, or talk dirty. I might be a little offensive, but that's the joke! Comedy clubs are my jokes on my turf. Churches are God's turf. And the bishop's. And all sorts of people ready to judge me and subsequently exile me from their social circles.

What was Aaron thinking?! He's a very common sense guy! Risk vs reward, Aaron! Risk vs reward! Comedy clubs are great for telling jokes. I show up, a bunch of people I've never met laugh at the words I say, it's all dark so I can piss people off without seeing it on their faces, then they go home and I never see them again. Little risk, high reward. The reward being self-esteem for Carah.

Church folk? A group of people I've been desperately trying to befriend for the past 7 months in a foreign location far from the comfort of my common associates in a building dedicated to worship with the lights full blast and faces noticeably upset as I struggle to poke fun with people of such diverse backgrounds I'm bound to offend someone resulting in me being quarantined from further contact.

So all I can do is be on my best behavior (even though when I suggest doing my cleanest jokes, Aaron STILL says, "NOOOOOOO! You can't say that!") and pray that Mormons like lots of child abuse and drug references! No, just kidding. But really.