On March 28th my wife Carah took me on a walk on a beach a short drive up the road in Malibu. She bent down and drew a picture of a baby in the sand to announce to me that she was pregnant. I didn't catch on at first. I said, “What is that, a kid peeing?" "You're weird.” She said, No. It's a baby...? That's an umbilical cord!” I still didn't get why she drew it. I furled my brow and said, “Oh, it is a baby.” Then she pulled out a pink baby onesie that I had given to her a many months back one night when I announced to her that I was ready to start trying to have babies. Then, as I thought about why Carah would bring that to the beach, she pulled out the pregnancy test and finally all the pieces fell into place. I was going to be a dad!
It took me several days to wrap my head around the thought of being responsible for a tiny human being. I was elated of course, but I didn't feel ready for this. I'd have to change some major things in my life. No more staying up till 4am watching Star Trek. No more sleeping in until...ever. Then I thought, if I wasn't ready at 30... when would I be?
I quickly weighed the pros and cons and remembered when I was growing up how much I looked forward to being a dad. But growing up I always had the luxury of ignoring the logistics of being a provider. The good thing is, I married Carah, who has been a nanny for the last 6 years. A professional assistant mother! She was going to be great.
I wondered how we were going to pay for it all. We just celebrated paying off our credit cards, but had nothing in savings. Luckily we were approved by Medi-Cal, letting a major weight be lifted off our shoulders.
As things started falling into place logistically, my worries started fading, leaving more room for excitement. We went to Babies R Us to get us more excited for the baby. As a caveat to going there, I made Carah promise we wouldn't buy anything just yet. I changed my mind when I saw how excited she got over the clothes. I wanted her to pick out one outfit to hang up in our closet to psych us up for December 5th. Something to help her get through the morning sickness, and other discomforts that come along with growing a little life.
Early one Saturday morning Carah uncovered the blankets and nudged me. I woke up and she showed me she was having some bleeding. My stomach hit the floor. I remembered reading that some bleeding during pregnancy was okay, but we went to the ER and they really couldn't tell much from the ultrasound because the pregnancy wasn't far enough along. The way they would tell was to have a series of blood tests to measure Carah's hormones and if the key hormones dropped, we'd be in trouble. They told us to take the next blood sample in 48 hours, but we didn't have to wait that long. The next day there was such an upsetting amount of blood, it was clear she had lost the baby.
We spent the next few days praying and taking turns comforting each other. In the span of a few weeks we went from two folks minding our own business, being handed the keys to a new life with an unwritten future with endless possibilities, left to dream for a moment on that future, and then just as quickly as it came, it was pulled out from under us. The gift that was left in it's place however, was the galvanizing process it had on our relationship. The short tragedy was a force that made us draw closer to each other than we had ever done before.
I love my wife more now than I ever dreamed possible. We still have a lot to healing and understanding to gain from this painful period in our lives. When we try again to start our family I know we will have a new deeper appreciation for God's gift of life, and also have that much more love to share.